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Pathetic

I feel a bit pathetic really asking for hugs when some of you are dealing with cancer, death and other things worse than me.

But, I need to whinge a bit.

You may or may not know I got diagnosed with plantar fasciitis (policeman’s heel) a few weeks ago with mild Achilles’ tendon inflammation too.

To give you an idea of how this feels: imagine standing unexpectedly on a golf ball with the ball impacting where your heel and foot sole meet – that pain is pretty much constant interspersed with shooting stabbing pains in my feet and up the legs to my knees. I look at the bottom of my foot and I’m surprised my heel isn’t grotesquely swollen.

I live with pain every day, I have chronic pain syndrome in my back and my mobility is (now) such that I rarely go out without a walking aid anymore.

I turn 38 in a week and I feel like an old woman – I’m 38 FFS!

I’ve learned to live with the pain in my back – I hate it and I want to cry about it sometimes. I’ll never accept it, but I have learned to deal with it.

The added pain I’m getting in my feet is the icing on the pain cake!

It’s shortened the amount of time I can stand and I just want to cry like a baby!

I’m now taking cocodamol daily – up until April; a cocodamol would make me stoned and giggly – the cocodamol are now having little effect.

I’ve been referred to pain management clinic (which could take upto 18 weeks if their policy is to be believed) for my back and physio for my feet (which could also take 18 weeks). I don’t have high hopes for the pain clinic; I went to one on the Island, they made me do a pain management course and gave me facet joint injections – neither worked!

I go to the doctor and I say ‘it hurts’ and they say ‘have a tablet’ or ‘I’ll refer you’ and they don’t care!!!!!! I know they’re not supposed to care, but I feel like a fraud when they sit there with no interest or compassion,  like they don’t believe me!

Even the kids do it, they don’t mean to and I know they care about me, but I’ve suffered pain all their lives and what’s one more pain to deal with, right?

It’s akin to telling people you suffer with depression or migraines and they say ‘I get down/headaches too’

No!!! IT’S NOT THE FUCKING SAME!!!

I hate the days where I have to say to one of my kids ‘please do that, I just can’t today’ because I don’t think they really get it, especially as my pain has escalated so much, so quickly in the last couple of years – I do not want my children to become my carers!!!

But, I’m scared to be on my own too!

My knees buckle sometimes – I’m frightened of falling and hurting myself, I’m frightened of being alone and unable to cope, but I’m also frightened of needing physical care as I’ve worked in care and feel very sorry for people in care.

I’m rambling now.

Gonna shut up and cry in the kitchen again so my son doesn’t have to deal with me!

4 comments to Pathetic

  • Me

    Virtual hugs my love. You can have the real ones in a couple of weeks time.

  • Angie knittynutter

    Huggles to you Sam….
    Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Sending huge hugs your way!!

    On a much smaller and less painful scale I know exactly what you mean about doctors. They dont feel what you feel, its hard to explain without sounding like youre whining and its as though if they cant see it (your foot hasnt fallen off) they couldnt care less.

    I’ve had to deal with them for all sorts of problems that arent immediately obvious and therefore undiagnosed years on!

  • LJ

    So sorry to hear about your latest diagnosis :-( Big hugs xxx

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