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Marriage

It’s funny what you discover after you marry someone, isn’t it?

When I married Darrell, I knew he was having these absences. He’d been through a lot and while we didn’t know what caused them, I finally got him to agree to seek help.

Most of the time, the absences were just that; a 10 second absence where he was unresponsive and there would be some memory loss both before and after too.

But, once a month or so, he would have a big absence – his personality would change (he could get quite verbally nasty), he would argue about everything and it would go on for hours…even days!

We attended an appointment at neurology just before we moved and the consultant said he thought it was a fugue state, he wanted Darrell to have an EEG and an MRI to start. The EEG is booked for this Thursday.

Yesterday we woke up and were discussing going shopping and he said to me ‘promise you won’t get shitty’ I got stressed ONCE in a supermarket and it’s constantly thrown in my face!

I told him I only wanted to buy essentials, not luxuries such as puddings (he’s bought several since the move) and he more or less went bananas at me. He’s blaming me because our benefits payments have been suspended so they can sort our joint claim – he’s pretty much blaming me for everything.

Every time we have had an argument, he asks me if I want him to leave – today I said ‘yes’. I even gave him money so that he could get back to his family instead of throwing him out homeless and penniless.

I’ve had a day of crap posted on my facebook timeline and text messages as a result.

So, I am now ‘separated’ and I shall be bringing child number 5 up alone – I know I’ll be alone because he’s told me that while he’ll provide (I’ll believe that when I see it!), I won’t see him again. Whatever, that’s up to him, isn’t it!

I have told his daughter I’d like to stay in contact with her and her family, I leave that up to them. I really hope they do stay in touch, but I understand if they don’t.

At least I’m back on the Island with a family that can support and help me out with a baby, I won’t be completely alone.

Darrell is planning to cancel his appointment for the EEG on Thursday – I’m sad about that as I truly believe he needs help to investigate what is going on. But ‘you can lead a horse to water, you can’t force it to drink’ as they say.

I really hoped this would work, I know people thought I was a fool for rushing into a relationship so quickly and an even bigger fool for getting pregnant at 37 so soon after the wedding. Maybe I am. We’ll see! At least this baby will be just as loved as it’s older siblings (the ones I raised, anyway) and well cared for.

I just can’t spend the rest of my life being blamed for everything (I’m not completely blameless, never said I was), nor can I spend the rest of my life living on tenterhooks waiting for the next explosion.  I won’t put myself through that, nor will I subject a child to that either!

He’s promised to quit drinking – he hasn’t done it, he buys alcohol most weeks. He promised to take meds prescribed by his GP but hasn’t done that either. I can’t put up with broken promises!

I do love my husband, but I don’t love the person he is when he is like this and it gets to the point where it doesn’t get resolved because no one is willing to apologise or compromise.

3 comments to Marriage

  • I don’t know what to say other than I know you’ll do an incredible job of bringing up baby number 5 and sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you love someone and want to help them, if they won’t help themselves they’re often not worth the time. You’ll be ok and hopefully he’ll realise he DOES need help and it’s not you he’s hurting by cancelling his appointment, it’s him! Sometimes things don’t work out how we hoped they would, and sometimes it doesn’t turn out to be the worst thing in the world

  • Reefgirl

    Oh love I’m so sorry

  • Claire

    What a shitty and difficult time.
    I do hope that Darrell gets the help he so desperately needs. I don’t think he realises just how badly he needs help. These absences are becoming more and more frequent and changing him to an unrecognisable man.
    Sending you hugs and love as always. Here whenever you want me xx

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